Fathering to Meet the Needs of Children

Denise E. Taylor

Extension Program Assistant

Janet A. Clark

Associate Program Leader and Associate State Specialist

Human Development and Family Studies

Fathers’ roles

What our society has expected from fathers has changed over the course of history. There continue to be new expectations for fathers. In addition, fathers decide how they will carry out their fathering roles. Fathers may look to their own fathers as role models or they may look to other models for examples of positive parenting. These influences can leave fathers wondering, “What are the expectations of me as a father?” and “How can I meet these expectations?”

Fathers can begin by focusing on how they can best meet the needs of their children. Fathers can benefit from seeking out reliable sources of parenting information to help them understand what children’s needs are and how they can meet them. Research shows that fathers and mothers accomplish positive parenting in different ways. This publication describes how fathers can meet the needs of their children by applying the National Extension Parent Education Model. This model explains the important parenting practices that promote the well-being of children.

Fathers can meet their children’s needs by using these parenting strategies: caring for oneself; better understanding their children; nurturing, guiding and motivating their children; and being an advocate for children.

Caring for oneself

Fathers who care for themselves

Manage their own stress

Reach out and accept help from others when it is needed

Know and develop their own personal and parenting strengths

Manage family resources (time, money, etc.)

Plan and set parenting goals

Cooperate with their child-rearing partners

You can take good care of yourself by maintaining your physical and mental health. Sometimes external demands such as stressful jobs can leave you exhausted and less mentally and physically available to meet your children’s needs. In these circumstances, you may need to reconsider the demands placed on you and what your personal interests and goals are. Ask yourself, “Where do my children fit into my life?” Then make a conscious effort to balance your own life so you can meet the needs of your children. If you recognize and develop your own personal and parenting strengths you will be able to better meet your children’s needs.

Some fathers may need to obtain professional help to treat substance abuse or other negative behaviors. Researchers have identified relationships between fathers’ unhealthy lifestyles and the risks of these on their children’s well-being. Getting help in these situations can be the first step to meeting the needs of one’s children.

You can help your children by effectively managing family resources. For example, when you (and your children’s mother) provide financial support for your children, you provide a basis for meeting a wide range of your children’s needs. Research shows that fathers’ educational levels, and the amount of financial support they provide, result in long-term consequences for their children. These factors influence your children’s future educational attainment, among other things. A higher level of education for children then results in positive consequences for them, such as greater job possibilities and the potential for better pay.

Children’s needs are better met when you plan and set child-rearing goals. An example of this would be when you say to yourself, “I would like to help my child learn to dress himself.” Next, you can set goals for yourself and your child such as “I will give him opportunities to select what he wears,” “I will ask my child to dress himself and I will help as needed,” and “When my child becomes frustrated, I will remain patient and will provide him with encouragement.”

Children benefit when their fathers are respectful of and cooperative with the other people who care for them. Additionally, you and your child-rearing partner can improve the outcomes for your children by sharing responsibilities of parenting. In some situations it may be difficult for child-rearing partners to work cooperatively, but focusing together on meeting children’s needs is very important.

Fathering is sometimes accomplished by men other than (or in addition to) the child’s biological or adoptive father, such as stepfathers, grandfathers, uncles and friends. These men can also benefit from the information presented in this publication.

Understand

Fathers who understand their children

Observe their development

Identify their specific needs

Recognize their unique ways of seeing the world

Realize that their children are influenced by and respond to what happens around

them Ways to understand children

Get to know your children through play, talk and everyday activities. According to researchers, when fathers participate in give-and-take play with their children, they help them to develop skills for effective interactions with their schoolmates.

Observe your children’s development. It is helpful to understand that children of the same age develop in both similar and in different ways. For example, two 12-month-old children can be the same size, but one may use several words and the other may not yet be using words. Differences among children also mean that they may see the world in unique ways. Some children enjoy playing in large groups, while others prefer playing with just one friend. A basic understanding of child development can help you to have realistic expectations for your children. This can lead to less frustration for both you and your children.

Consider how your children’s environment (parents, child care, school, friends, neighborhood, etc.) influences them. For example, it is important to understand how strongly children are influenced by the quality of child care you choose for them. Also, think about how your children impact their environments. Your children’s behaviors also influence the teachers and other children in the child care setting.

Nurture

Nurturing fathers

Build positive relationships with their children

Give frequent and consistent messages of love and support to their children

Pay attention to the needs of children and act to meet these needs

Celebrate life with their children

Make connections with family history and cultural heritage for their children

Ways to nurture your children

If you have a newborn, get involved early in his or her life. Begin by holding and caring for your newborn. Do not worry about spoiling your infant by quickly responding to his or her needs.

It is helpful to know that young children cry to communicate their needs. They may cry when they are hungry, tired, uncomfortable, sick or lonely. When your children cry, meet their needs. This will help establish a trusting and secure relationship.

As your children grow, continue to show them affection and a caring attitude. Give your child a hug, kiss or special signs that have a positive meaning, such as thumbs-up or a high-five. Recognize that older children and teens are seeking to become more independent. This desire for independence may cause them to resist parental affection, especially in public settings. Be sensitive to this and find out what is comfortable for your teen. Realize that, although teens may resist affection from their parents, they still want to know that their parents care about them. You can show your teens that you care about them by talking with them about their interests and attending their school and community activities.

Comfort your children when they are disappointed by their failures. Reassure them by telling them that making mistakes is part of the learning process. Encourage them to try again, and support them in their efforts.

Listen and respond supportively to your children’s ideas and feelings. Ask open-ended questions about his or her day, such as “Tell me what you did today,” “How did you feel about that?” or “What are your ideas about that?” Then listen attentively. You don’t always have to agree with your children but you need to be willing to listen.

Nurturing children also means meeting their basic needs for nutrition, shelter, clothing and safety. Some ways to meet these basic needs:

Go grocery shopping with your children; show them how to select and prepare

healthy foods

Do household chores with your children

Take your children shopping for school clothes

Take your children to the doctor and dentist. Make sure that your children receive

regular check-ups and immunizations

Carefully choose child care providers for your children

Provide safe situations for your children while at home and during activities

Supervising your children is the basis for keeping them safe

Studies have shown that it is better for children when their fathers spend time meeting a variety of their needs rather than just entertaining them or giving them gifts.

Additional ways to nurture your children can be accomplished by strengthening family relationships. This can be done by attending family gatherings, telling family stories and showing photographs from your childhood and from previous generations. When explaining how family members are related to you and your children, it can be helpful to use photographs. You can also tell your children how these family members have positively influenced your life.

Other important personal connections can be formed by participating in cultural/religious activities with your child. Develop special activities for your family around holidays, birthdays or certain days of the week. On a particular holiday you and your children can prepare special food together or decorate the house; birthdays can be celebrated by preparing a birthday cake for the person celebrating his or her birthday. Friday nights can be spent doing fun activities together.

According to researchers, both sons and daughters benefit from nurturing relationships with their fathers. For sons, research has shown a positive relationship between the amount of time they spend with nurturing fathers and their intellectual performance and abilities to problem-solve. Additionally, college men who reported positive personal qualities and behaviors in themselves reported their fathers to have been nurturing and available. Likewise, college women with well-adjusted personalities reported their fathers as having been very nurturant and interested in them. We think that these findings may also apply to men and women who have not had college experience. Other research indicates that women who had high intellectual and job accomplishments were more likely than other women to have had positive relationships with fathers who expected them to be capable and persistent.

Guide

Fathers who provide guidance

Serve as positive role models

Monitor children’s activities

Establish and maintain reasonable limits based on children’s stages of

development

Help their children to develop self-control and to fulfill responsibilities

Encourage positive involvement of peers and other adults with their children

Teach their children basic values of human decency and problem solving skills

Ways to guide children

Model the kind of behavior you want your child to display. If you want your child to be respectful, then respect yourself and others, including your child. Show your children that you respect both them and their teachers by helping your children to complete their homework on time and by attending parent-teacher conferences.

It’s important to know where your child is, who your child is with, and what your child is doing. Provide lots of close supervision for young children. Older children still need supervision and guidance in their involvement with friends.

Help your children develop friendships by arranging and supervising play times and activities for them. Try organized learning experiences such as 4-H, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts or sports.

Discipline your child to help teach him or her self-control while encouraging the development of his or her self-esteem. Discipline includes:

Establishing realistic expectations and limits for your child based on his or her

stage of development

Being “…concerned, calm, consistent, and caring” while you “…lead, guide, and

teach your children” (Children’s Trust Fund, 1994)

Discipline differs from punishment because physical punishment hurts children

Physical punishment does not effectively help children to develop self-control and

can negatively affect their well-being Developing self-control through decision making

You can help your children begin to develop self-control by encouraging them to make responsible decisions. Let them know that they can make choices for their behavior, and that consequences (negative or positive) will occur for their choices. For example, your child can decide how quickly to get ready for bedtime. Choosing to take a long time to get ready could result in a shortened story time. It is important that you give praise to your children for their good behavior and accomplishments.

Problem solving

Children need to begin learning how to solve problems. Help your child identify what the problem is and have him or her suggest possible solutions to it. Agree on a possible solution and ask him or her to try it out. Help your child decide whether or not the problem was solved, and if it wasn’t solved, discuss why. Be patient, and have your child try other possible solutions. Show your child how obtaining other information can help him or her solve a problem. Congratulate your child for his or her effort in solving the problem.

Responsibility

Give your child opportunities to learn how to be responsible based on his or her level of development. There are numerous opportunities for children to learn responsibility while doing everyday activities such as caring for themselves and helping out at home. Both boys and girls benefit from learning skills for a wide range of responsibilities. For example, girls benefit when they learn how to repair things, and boys get valuable experience when they learn how to do housekeeping tasks.

Ways to encourage personal responsibility

Teach your young children how to care for themselves by showing them how to wash their hands before meals, brush their teeth and get dressed. Your older children need to be responsible for completing their homework on time, and you can assist them in meeting these responsibilities. Hold your older children responsible for maintaining curfews, and have discussions with them about making responsible choices for their sexuality.

Ways to encourage kindness and responsibility for others

Teach your children how to be kind to and responsible for others. You can do this by having your young child help you set the table and by assisting you with feeding a pet. Suggest that older children show their younger siblings how to accomplish something, like putting a puzzle together or tying their shoes. Encourage teens to be kind to others by volunteering at a child care center or hospital.

Research shows that children who are kind to others and are responsible for their own emotions have had nurturing fathers. Research also indicates that adult children who act responsibly and are understanding and tolerant had fathers who were positively involved in their lives. Ways to encourage household responsibility

Meals

Involve your children in meal preparation. Give your young child opportunities to pour and stir ingredients together. Show older children how to use measuring spoons and cups to measure ingredients. Teens can help you prepare meals for the family.

Cleaning

Make a game out of picking up toys with young children. Set a timer for 10 minutes and see if all of the toys can be picked up before the timer rings. Help older children to organize and decorate their rooms. Teens can help you by accepting responsibility for a variety of cleaning jobs, such as sweeping the floors, dusting the furniture and taking out

the garbage.

Fixing things

Show young children how to fix simple paper items with school glue or tape. Teach older children how to fix and build a variety of things. Examples of this would be showing your children how to repair a broken fence and how to build a bird feeder.

Yard work and gardening

You can involve your children in these tasks. Show them how to rake leaves (provide a small rake) and how to grow flowers and vegetables.

Ways to encourage financial responsibility

Show young children how to save money, in a piggy bank, for a future purchase

Take older children to the bank to set-up a savings account, teach children to

comparison shop, and give them opportunities to earn money doing special tasks

Help your teen look for a summer job

Teach teens how to balance a checkbook, responsibly use a credit card, and file a

tax return

Assist your teen in writing a resume and practicing interviewing skills

Motivate

Fathers who motivate their children:

Create conditions that help their learning;

Teach them about themselves, the world and other people;

Encourage them to be curious and to use their imaginations, and to seek out

knowledge;

Help them think about and organize information.

Ways to motivate children

Research shows that children’s early experiences help determine the way their brains develop and function. You can encourage healthy brain development in your infant and preschooler. Ways to do this include talking, singing and reading to them; and providing them with safe places to explore and play. According to researchers, these experiences will impact your children’s lifelong ways of thinking and acting.

Note

Protect your children from brain injury — never shake or hit your child

Take your children on outings and use activities that encourage them to be imaginative, curious and in search of knowledge. Learning is fun when you go to a library, museum, zoo, science center, drama performance or concert. Many cities and schools provide free or lower-cost admission for children to these activities.

Teach children about themselves, other people, their neighborhood, community, state, country and other places in the world. Start by helping them learn their address and phone number, where their city is located within their state, where their state is located within their country, etc. Additionally, you can help your children learn about other people and places by talking with people from different heritages and locations.

Help children obtain and properly use information. Provide access to books, newspapers, educational TV and radio, and computers. Find out what your children’s interests are, read books to them on these subjects and discuss the information. Use computers with children and monitor their use of computer information.

Researchers suggest that children do better in school when their fathers are involved in their lives and provide them with encouragement. In contrast, children’s motivation and success can be reduced when fathers frequently intrude and place too many restrictions on them.

Advocate

Fathers who advocate for children

Locate, use and develop community resources to help children

Develop connections with family, neighborhood and community groups

Help make social changes for supporting children and families

Ways to advocate

Identify the needs of your children and the children in your community. Does your child have a special need? Could children in your community benefit from a particular service? If so, then locate, use and develop community resources to meet the needs of your children and children in your community. For example, if you think that your child might have a learning disability, then reach out for information and resources to help your child. For referrals to community resources that can help you with children’s special needs, phone ParentLink. Studies show that children who have special needs benefit when both their fathers and mothers are involved in supportive relationships with them.

You can also develop connections with other family members, neighborhood and community groups that can give you support in meeting your children’s needs. For example, if children in your community could benefit from a park or street crossing signals then identify a community official or group that can help you and approach them with the idea. Also, starting a fathers support group would be a way to develop connections with other dads.

Help make social change happen by creating environments that support children and families. For example, if you think that a school bond will benefit the children in your community, then get involved in supporting the effort. You can make phone calls, attend meetings, volunteer and vote.

Conclusion

All of this information can leave you feeling somewhat overwhelmed. Don’t be discouraged. Fathering is a big responsibility, but it is also a learning process. All fathers (and mothers) make mistakes, but using the parenting practices (Care for Self, Understand, Nurture, Guide, Motivate, and Advocate) can help you meet your children’s needs.

Your positive involvement in your child’s life will result in lifelong positive outcomes for him or her.

Resources
The National Institute for Building Long Distance Relationships. 1999. Dads At a
Distance. Knoxville, TN: A and E Family Publishers, www.daads.com
Children’s Trust Fund. 1994. Positive Parenting: Tips on Discipline. 110 East
Main Street, Madison, WI 53703.
608-266-6871.
Clark, J. A. (adapted from Abell, E. and M. Azria). 1999.
Families and Work Institute. 1997.1 Am Your Child: The First Years Last
Forever: The New Brain Research and Your Child’s Healthy Development.
www.iamyourchild.org
Meyer, D. J. (Ed.) 1995. Uncommon Fathers: Reflections on Raising a Child With
a Disability. Bethesda, MD: Woodbine House, Inc.
Referrals
ParentLink
800-552-8522
Parental Stress Helpline
800-367-2543
University of Missouri, Human Environmental Sciences publications: Toll-free
ordering
800-292-0969.
References
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Sincere appreciation to Mark Fine, Department Chair, MU Human Development and Family Studies, for his support and guidance on this project.
Helping Children Understand Divorce

Kim Leon
State Specialist, Human Development and Family
Studies
Kelly Cole, Extension Associate
When parents decide to divorce, they typically have been through a series of events that have led them to this decision. Whether or not children are aware of parents’ decisions depends on many things, including parents’ behaviors and children’s experiences. In some families, husbands and wives may argue frequently in front of the children, leaving children to suspect that something is going on. In other families, parents may talk quietly about their differences without the children ever knowing. And in other families, parents may argue sometimes and quietly handle their differences at other times. Regardless of the type of adult arguments and interactions that children experience, when parents decide to divorce, children need to know.The purpose of this guide is to help you understand the thoughts and feelings that children may have when their parents decide to divorce and to provide some tips for talking with children about divorce.
Talking with children about divorce
Children’s reactions to parental divorce are related to how parents inform them of their decision. Because of this, it is important for parents to think carefully about how they will tell their children and what they will tell them. When possible, the entire family should meet together so that both parents can answer children’s questions. This strategy may also help parents to avoid blaming each other for the divorce. The following tips might make this a smoother process:
Set aside time to meet as a family
Plan ahead of time what to tell children
Stay calm
Plan to meet again
What to tell children
Remember that divorce is confusing for children. When you first talk with children, limit your discussion to the most important and most immediate issues; children can become confused if they are given too much information at once. Children need to hear that their basic needs will be met, that someone will still fix breakfast in the morning, help them with their homework, and tuck them into bed at night. Children also need to know that their relationship with BOTH parents will continue, if possible. In the face of so many changes, children also need to hear what will remain the same. Parents can reassure their children through words and actions that their love will continue despite the changes in routine family life.
During these family discussions, it is important for parents to tell children that the divorce is final and avoid giving children false hopes that the parents will reunite. Parents can also use this time to tell children that the divorce is not their fault. Many children believe that the divorce is a result of something that they did. Even younger children who seem to have no understanding of what is going on may need extra reassurance during this time. For instance, when asked why parents divorce, some children may explain that parents are divorcing because the children misbehaved or received bad grades in school. Children need repeated reassurance from parents that they are not responsible for the divorce.
Remember to ask children about their fears and concerns. Give children time to think about the divorce and the changes ahead. Meet again as a family to talk about new questions and to reassure children of your ongoing involvement in their lives. What I need from my mom and dad
I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Even if you don’t live close by,
please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions about who I
spend time with and what I like and don’t like to do. When you don’t stay
involved in my life, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love
me.
Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on
matters related to me and my needs. When you fight about me, I think that I did
something wrong and I feel guilty.
I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please
support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset,
I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send
messages back and forth. I want you to talk with each other so that the messages
are communicated the right way and so that I don’t feel like I am going to mess
up.
When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say
anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel
like you are putting me down and expecting me to take your side.
Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my
mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I
have problems.
Sibling relationships in divorced families
When parents divorce, brothers and sisters may begin to interact differently. While some siblings become closer at this time, others may argue more and become emotionally distant. It is difficult to predict how children will respond in any particular family.
The emotional stress that parents feel following divorce may temporarily reduce the amount of attention they are able to give their children. As a result, some children turn to one another for nurturance and support. Because siblings experience many of the same emotions, they are able to understand each other’s feelings and concerns and to reassure each other. Other children, however, may engage in more conflict with their siblings. These children may feel confused and angry about the changes that are occurring in their family and they take these negative
feelings out on their siblings. Some siblings also engage in more conflict because they are competing for their parents’ attention.
Parents may be able to reduce their children’s rivalry by talking with them, listening to them, and spending some time alone with each child. Parents also need to realize that younger siblings may have an easier time expressing their confusion than their older siblings.
Therefore, parents should be sure to talk to the older siblings even if they do not seem upset. It is also important for parents to encourage children to continue rituals that were established before the divorce so they will have some feelings of continuity and stability.
Children’s understanding of divorce by age group
Children’s understanding of parental divorce depends on their developmental stage. It is important for parents to know what thoughts and feelings children of different ages may be having so that they can modify their own behaviors to help children adjust to the divorce.
Infants Understandings
Infants notice changes in parents’ energy level and emotional state.
Older infants notice when one parent is no longer living in the home.
Feelings
More irritability, such as crying and fussing. Changes in sleeping, napping and other daily routines.
What parents can do for infants
Keep normal schedules and routines.
Reassure infants of your continued presence with physical affection and loving
words.
Keep children’s favorite toys, blankets or stuffed animals close at hand.
Toddlers Understandings Recognize that one parent no longer lives at home.
May express empathy toward others, such as a parent who is feeling sad.
Feelings
May have difficulty separating from parents.
May express anger toward parent.
May lose some of the skills they have developed, like toilet training.
Toddlers may show some of the behaviors that they outgrew, such as
thumbsucking.
Sleeping and naptime routines may change.
Older toddlers may have nightmares.
What parents can do for toddlers
Spend more time with children when preparing to separate (e.g., arrive 10 to 15
minutes earlier than usual when you take your child to child care).
Provide physical and verbal reassurance of your love.
Show understanding of child’s distress; recognize that, given time and support,
old behaviors (thumbsucking) will disappear and newly developed skills (toilet
training) will reappear.
Talk with other important adults and caregivers about how to support your child
during this transition time.
Preschool and early elementary children
Understandings
Preschoolers recognize that one parent no longer lives at home.
Elementary school children begin to understand that divorce means their parents
will no longer be married and live together, and that their parents no longer love
each other. Reassure children of how their needs will be met and of who will take care of
them.
Talk with children about their thoughts and feelings; be sensitive to children’s
fears.
Plan a schedule of time for children to spend with their other parent. Be
supportive of children’s ongoing relationship with the other parent.
Read books together about children and divorce (See list.)
Gently, and matter-of-factly, remind children that the divorce is final and that
parents will not get back together again.
Preteens and adolescents Understandings
Understand what divorce means but may have difficulty accepting the reality of
the changes it brings to their family.
Although thinking at a more complex level, still may blame themselves for the
divorce.
Feelings
May feel abandoned by the parent who moves out of the house.
May withdraw from long-time friends and favorite activities.
May act out in uncharacteristic ways (start using bad language, become
aggressive or rebellious).
May feel angry and unsure about their own beliefs concerning love, marriage, and
family.
May experience a sense of growing up too soon.
May start to worry about adult matters, such as the family’s financial security.
May feel obligated to take on more adult responsibilities in the family.
What parents can do for preteens and adolescents
Maintain open lines of communication with children; reassure children of your
love and continued involvement in their lives.
Whenever possible, both parents need to stay involved in children’s lives, know
children’s friends, what they do together, and keep up with children’s progress at
school and in other activities.
Honor family rituals and routines (Sunday dinner, weeknight homework time,
grocery shopping together, watching favorite television shows or movies as a
family).
If you need to increase children’s household responsibilities, assign chores and
tasks that are age-appropriate (help with laundry, housecleaning, yardwork, meal
preparations); show appreciation for children’s contributions.
Avoid using teenagers as confidants; plan special time for yourself with adult
friends and family members • Tell children who will be attending special occasions such as sporting events and
graduation ceremonies, especially if you plan to take a new romantic partner.
Using books to talk with children about divorce
Children’s books about divorce can help them work through the issues they face. Reading books can give children a way to express their emotions and discuss issues that they may not otherwise be comfortable talking about. These books may also help parents understand children’s experiences of divorce.
It’s not your fault, KoKo Bear. Vicky Lansky (1998). Book Peddlers. This book is
designed for parents and children ages 3 to 5 years to read together. Each page
provides a large picture to show what is happening in the story and includes
messages for parents. The messages for parents help make a connection between
the story and what happens to children in real families. KoKo Bear faces
situations that help him learn what divorce means, and that he is not to blame for
the divorce. He is helped to talk about his feelings, and is told that he is still loved
by both parents.
Dinosaurs Divorce: A guide for changing families. Laurene Krasney Brown and
Marc Brown (1986). Little Brown and Company. This award-winning book is
designed for parents and young school-aged children to read together. Stories are
presented in a cartoon strip pattern and organized around topics that are important
for children experiencing the divorce of their parents. Issues such as why parents
divorce, living with one parent, having two homes, telling friends, parents’ new
partners, and celebrating special occasions are discussed. Solutions to problems
that may come up are illustrated by the actions of the dinosaur children and their
parents.
How do I feel about: My parents’ Divorce. Julia Cole (1997). Copper Beach
Books. This book is written for older school-aged children with some reading
skills, but should be read at least the first time with a parent so that the child may
ask questions. Topics covered in the book include: why divorce happens, difficult
feelings, and feeling okay. Photographs and cartoon illustrations show that
everyone lives in a unique situation. The book reassures children that they are not
alone in having their parents divorce and that there is more than one way that
problems may be solved.
Pre-Teen Pressures: Divorce. Debra Goldentyer (1998). Steck-Vaughn Company.
This book, written for pre-teen readers, covers a wide range of issues. It is
recommended that parents read it before reading it with their children. This book
discusses common changes that take place for divorcing families. A variety of
families are presented to show that there are many reasons why marriages end
(affairs, violence/abuse and alcoholism). A variety of family stories are used to
show that individuals adjust differently, make different decisions and move on to
new relationships at different speeds. The children’s roles in their own adjustment
to divorce are emphasized.For parents • Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children
Adjust.Nicholas Long and Rex Forehand (2002). Contemporary Books. This book provides practical, effective advice for parents on dealing with issues including talking to children about divorce, managing stress, communicating with the child’s other parent, single parenting, and building a suport network. It is clearly written and organized so that parents can quickly find information about specific issues.

References
Amato, P. 1994. Life-span adjustment of children to their parents’ divorce. In
Children and Divorce, 4 (1). Packard Foundation.
Behrman, R.E. and L. Quinn. 1994. Children and Divorce: Overview and
Analysis. In Children and Divorce, 4 (1). Packard Foundation.
Blakeslee, Ives, S. D. Fassler and M. Lash. 1994. The Divorce Workbook.
Burlington, VT: Waterfront Books.
Cummings, E.M. and P. Davis. 1994. Children and Marital Conflict. N.Y.:
Guilford Press.
Iowa State MU Extension. Divorce Matters.
Mulroy, M., C.Z. Malley, R.M. Sabatelli and R. Waldron. 1995. Parenting Apart:
Strategies for effective co-parenting. Storrs, CT: University of Connecticut
Cooperative Extension System.
Stevenson, M.R., and K.N. Black. 1996. How Divorce Affects Offspring: A
research approach. Boulder, CO: Westview Press.
We extend our thanks to Joan Turner, Brett Dayton, andMaridith Jackson for their careful review of the children’s books.
This guide is a revision and update of two previous guides: Helping Children Understand Divorce, originally written by Sara Gable, state specialist in human development and family studies at the University of Missouri, and Kelly Cole, former extension associate at the University of Missouri, and The Effects of Divorce on Children, originally written by Karen DeBord, former state specialist in human development and family studies at the University of Missouri.
We extend our appreciation to Amanda Kowal, assistant professor of human development and family studies, for her insights on sibling relationships in divorced families.

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